Marketing Fail #142: The Surgical Soap That Thinks We're All 25 With Perfect Eyesight and Zero Towels

Marketing Fail #142: The Surgical Soap That Thinks We're All 25 With Perfect Eyesight and Zero Towels

So you're scheduled for surgery. You're nervous. You're fasting. You're reading consent forms that sound like you're signing up for space travel. And then someone hands you a small pinkish-red bottle of something called Hibiclens with a chirpy, “Use a third of this each day in the shower before your procedure!”

Sure. No problem.

Except the directions on the bottle are printed in a font size designed by a gnat with a magnifying glass fetish. I'm 70, not Superman—I can’t read anything that requires a microscope and a prayer. Even with glasses, I’m squinting like I’m deciphering ancient scrolls.

Then there's the part where I'm supposed to somehow estimate “a third of the bottle” per shower—but the label wraps around the entire thing like it’s guarding national secrets. No clear lines. No transparency. Just a red-tinted guessing game in the shower while I hope I'm not overdoing it and turning into a biohazard.

Oh, and about that red tint? It STAINS. Towels. Washcloths. Tile grout. That cute robe you forgot to take off before you started scrubbing. No warnings, no apologies, no helpful “Hey, maybe use an old towel unless you want to explain this crime scene to your guests.”

Would it kill the manufacturer to:

• Print readable instructions?

• Add a measuring cap or see-through panel?

• Offer stain warnings and maybe a tip on how to remove the stuff?

• Mention it dries out your skin like the Sahara?

Dear corporate marketers: Most surgeries happen to people over 50. You know, the people with real bodies, real towels, and real eyesight issues. If you're selling to us, maybe try marketing to us.

We see you. Even if we can’t read your label.