Zen is Nice, But Apathy with a Side of Chocolate and a Glass of Wine is Better

I’ve tried yoga. Truly, I have.

Every few months, I roll out the mat like a peace offering to the universe: Look! I’m trying to be centered! The mat lies there, judgmental and slightly dusty, waiting for me to transform my body into a pretzel and my mind into serenity.

Last time I really committed, I ended up with a hip replacement. Apparently, happy baby pose can lead to unhappy orthopedic surgery. So perhaps the universe is gently suggesting that bending like a garden hose at my age is not the path to enlightenment.

But you know what is?

Wine. And chocolate.

Somewhere, probably in a very reputable corner of the internet, I read that red wine is good for your heart. And dark chocolate? Also heart-healthy. So logically, red wine plus chocolate must be spectacular for your overall well-being.

This is the kind of medical news I can get behind. No juicing kale. No mushroom coffee. No powdered dandelion root that smells like regret.

People wrinkle their noses and say, “Ew, red wine and chocolate don’t go together.”

Sure they do! They’re the yin and yang of adult supplements. They taste great. They reduce stress. They don’t require spandex or chanting. What more do you want?

So while the rest of the world is sipping on turmeric lattes and pretending to enjoy it, I’ll be over here with a glass of wine, a square (or five) of chocolate, and a perfectly content give-a-damn meter stuck at zero.

Namaste?

No, Nama-sip.